Ode to an English Teacher

One day in school I was asked by a rather frustrated teacher to "put myself in his shoes" and imagine how fun it would be to be a teacher. Well, I pondered this for a second, and I figured since my favorite subject is English, I would be an English teacher. Then my teacher suggested I ponder the anxiety one feels on the first day of school, and what I would do on the first day facing hundreds of impatient hyperactive children. I actually took this scenario into consideration, and came up with a speech all English Teachers should read to their classes on the first day of school.

"Welcome you ! You illiterate uncultered parasites! What you see as you step foot in this class is a dark prison, the windows barred with pronouns, adjectives, clauses and commas asthe door is locked with subjects, nouns, phrases and quotes. Think not of these rules as a cage in which you cannot escape and appear to frustrate you at every turn, think of these rules as your weapons of choice, the ones that will lead you to victory as you spring into the arena of life. This arena of archetypes, this land of literature and this ocean of knowledge you will all travel through, sailing on naught but your own imagination and willpower.
And I? I? Why I am your guide, here to lead you on to glorified immortality as your life is etched into the history books one sentence at a time. I am the Master of Metaphors, the Sultan of Similes, the Architect of Archetypes, the tSar of Sound, the Viceroy of Voice, the Patriarch of Paragraphs, the King of Clauses and Pharoah of Phrases! I am the law and the law is I! I am the conductor on the locomotive heading straight for a literary El Dorado, and my passengers are few.
And you? You? You are my lowly apprentices, here to feel the grace of my presence! You are here to serve me, and it might so happen that you learn something along the way! I am the key to your success, the ship on which you sail to freedom! You need me, but I have no need for you! So sit in silence as a sign of respect and humility towards one who holds your so much of your future in so low regard! Keep a standard of diligence higher than any other and always be ready to learn! Then, and only then, will you be one of the few to survive in the real world."

I think that puts the difficulty of a teacher's job into perspective just a little, don't you? I think this speech would be an incredible way to start the school year!

Too many questions, not enough answers

Have you ever wondered why? Why do we drive on the right side of the road, why not the left? Why is it that when we greet strangers we shake hands? Why is it common courtesy to place your napkin in your lap at dinner and keep your elbows off the tables? Why are convicts leaving prison with a college education, when many people who are working hard are being denied a college education? So many questions, yet not enough anwers to go around. Here's a question that you might want to ponder; if you were going to prison and you could choose the reason why, what would it be?
The fact that prisoners today are being sent to jail only to receive satellite television with lazyboy recliners along with libraries full of books and tutors ready to supply these convicts who have broken the law with a college education is revolting and completely wrong. Hey! maybe if I want to go to college, instead of working really hard to get accepted into a school I'll just blow up Albertsons! Sounds Great! I think I'll stick to that!
I know that the state of Arizona has got it straight. Convicts in Arizona sleep in tents, and when they are out cleaning up highways, they wear pink polka dotted jumpsuits to let you know they severely regret what they've done. And Let me tell you, the crime rate has never been lower in Arizona!

Spring Break left one broken

Spring Break is often seen as a time of fun and relaxation, right? This year is not the case. After returning from California on a family vacation I heard the news about the death of my grandmother who lives in Idaho and has been very sick for quite a while. Immediately we left for Idaho, rushing to other family members who were in need of assistance due to this shocking twist of events. This is where I spent most of my spring break, in Idaho preparing for and attending the funeral of my grandmother.
I wasn't as close as I would've liked to have been to my grandmother, but I still wrote her letters every once in a while and enjoyed going to see her every now and then. I didn't know that she knew I played the trumpet, so when my aunt told me that before she had passed away she had requested I play taps at her funeral, I was totally taken aback. I have never been that great at performing solos in front of a live audience, and the fact that it was her funeral and emotional stress would be great didn't make me feel much better. But I stepped up to the challenge and practiced every moment I could for this perfomance.
Why is death such a big deal? I mean, of course we mourn for those we love, but why is it feared by everyone? What is this phenomenon that scares us into good health, safer vehicles, and religion? There really is no answer to this question I have asked, but I know one thing, when I have my funeral, I want it to be a party! None of this mourning and sobbing and stifling silence, I want people laughing and remembering the good times, the times of fun.