Ode to an English Teacher

One day in school I was asked by a rather frustrated teacher to "put myself in his shoes" and imagine how fun it would be to be a teacher. Well, I pondered this for a second, and I figured since my favorite subject is English, I would be an English teacher. Then my teacher suggested I ponder the anxiety one feels on the first day of school, and what I would do on the first day facing hundreds of impatient hyperactive children. I actually took this scenario into consideration, and came up with a speech all English Teachers should read to their classes on the first day of school.

"Welcome you ! You illiterate uncultered parasites! What you see as you step foot in this class is a dark prison, the windows barred with pronouns, adjectives, clauses and commas asthe door is locked with subjects, nouns, phrases and quotes. Think not of these rules as a cage in which you cannot escape and appear to frustrate you at every turn, think of these rules as your weapons of choice, the ones that will lead you to victory as you spring into the arena of life. This arena of archetypes, this land of literature and this ocean of knowledge you will all travel through, sailing on naught but your own imagination and willpower.
And I? I? Why I am your guide, here to lead you on to glorified immortality as your life is etched into the history books one sentence at a time. I am the Master of Metaphors, the Sultan of Similes, the Architect of Archetypes, the tSar of Sound, the Viceroy of Voice, the Patriarch of Paragraphs, the King of Clauses and Pharoah of Phrases! I am the law and the law is I! I am the conductor on the locomotive heading straight for a literary El Dorado, and my passengers are few.
And you? You? You are my lowly apprentices, here to feel the grace of my presence! You are here to serve me, and it might so happen that you learn something along the way! I am the key to your success, the ship on which you sail to freedom! You need me, but I have no need for you! So sit in silence as a sign of respect and humility towards one who holds your so much of your future in so low regard! Keep a standard of diligence higher than any other and always be ready to learn! Then, and only then, will you be one of the few to survive in the real world."

I think that puts the difficulty of a teacher's job into perspective just a little, don't you? I think this speech would be an incredible way to start the school year!